Professor Park’s Story
Written by ParK Young Jong (Chungnam National University in South Korea)
Translated by his wife, Jung Yung Suk (Cheongju National University of Education in South Korea)
One day in September 2005, my voice got hoarse so I went to an ENT doctor in my neighborhood. The doctor said it was just a throat infection so I didn’t care about it much. My voice, however, did not get better over one month. I found it strange so I visited two other doctors’ offices. Their diagnoses were the same as the first doctor. I thought it would get better soon. Following the doctors’ advice, I often drank hot water and tried not to talk.
In the meantime, I found out from my regular physical examination that the level of the alpha-protein which indicates the development of liver cancer was abnormally high. Immediately I had a CAT scan taken on my liver and the result was normal. My physician said it happens and he asked me to have another blood test in a month. I was relived to hear that since I had not told my wife about all this because I didn’t want to alarm her. To make things worse, the blood test results after one month of waiting revealed that the level of the alpha-protein was higher than before.
Now even the doctor tilted his head about the result of my blood test. Then he just kept saying “Let’s do another blood test in two weeks.” I sensed something was wrong. I talked with my brother in law who was a surgeon. After consulting with his doctor friends, he suggested that I should take a PET exam that is used for checking cancer from head to toe. Thinking “No, that is impossible” “I can’t even imagine cancer in my body” I went to Eulji University Hospital with my wife to take the test.
We thought “it can’t be. Don’t worry. That will never happen to us.” The results, however, were tremendous. I couldn’t believe it. A big tumor, the size of a child’s fist was found in the area between my lung, heart and esophagus (my throat). The doctor tried to console me, saying “You need to take a biopsy of the tissue for more precise result. Even if it’s malignant, it’s curable. Don’t worry.”
We went to the National Cancer Center in Ilsan for the biopsy. When I was stepping out of my car, I couldn’t help but burst out crying. What’s happening to me… I’m only 42. But I Still believed and hoped that the result would be good and every thing would be okay.
A few days later, however, when I heard the result of the biopsy, the slimmest, faintest hope was shattered. The doctor said insensitively “You have lung cancer and it is in the last-stage.” I couldn’t believe what I heard. “What? Did you say I have a lung cancer?” The doctor’s hopeless voice added, “The tumor is very close to important organs such as the main artery, esophagus, and laryngeal nerves. No surgery is possible in this case. The reason you have a hoarse voice and cannot talk is that the tumor already invaded your laryngeal nerves. It is possible that your main artery was also been invaded. The last recommendation for you is to get radiation treatment.”
I couldn’t keep standing on the ground. I didn’t have any energy left in my body after hearing about this unbelievable diagnosis when I was only in my early forties. This is ridiculous! I was speechless and it was so hard to believe what was happening in reality. I just stood there in a daze as if time has stopped. I wanted to shake my head and deny everything. But that was the reality. It was harsh.
While I was sitting on a bench of the hospital in a daze, my wife called my big brother who was an orthopedic surgeon and told him about the result. My brother who was also anxiously waiting for the results, said in deep despair. “Get all the medical examination documents and come to Guangju.” I used to be confident and brave. Suddenly I became a completely different person in a few minutes. In a hopeless agony, I headed for Guangju where my brother lived.
As soon as I saw my brother at the airport, I couldn’t hold back tears. I wanted to force back my tears for my wife, but I couldn’t control it. I felt I saw my deceased father. He was a doctor but he died of liver cancer after his 60th birthday party. My mother also died of cancer of the large intestine in five years after that. I did not live with them long enough because I was the youngest child. I missed them so much. I needed them to hug me and comfort me. I was in a state of panic.
My brother took me to Jeonnam University Hwasoon Hospital so that I could get the radiology treatment, which was the last treatment left for me medically. Although the treatment had begun, I was so sad about everything since I was thinking about having to saying goodbye to this world before long.
When I was looking at the fallen leaves rolling over on the ground, I thought “Will I see these leaves again next year?” I used to be a guy who buys the best quality product. Now when I went to buy an electronic shaver, I bought the cheapest one, thinking “I can’t use it for long anyway, so I shouldn’t spend much money. I should leave as much as money possible for my family.” When I looked at all the suits in my closet, I became sad, thinking “My wife said I look good in those suits. Now I can’t wear them anymore.” When I saw some elderly people on the street, I thought “How blessed are they to have such a long life! What about me? Why can’t I live longer?” Really, everything looked sorrowful to me.
When I thought about my family, the sorrow became unbearable pain. When I thought of my youngest son who had just turned one, I became more mournful. I thought “If I had known better, my wife and I shouldn’t have had him. How much will he envy his friends who have fathers? He will live in darkness without any support from his father.” I felt the same about my daughter who was in elementary school. “She is only 12. I was going to give her a ride during her high school years after her after school program late at night. … She will live in distress.” When I thought of my lovely wife, I felt more sorrowful. “Can’t I see her and feel her anymore? How can she raise two children? She doesn’t have a sense of direction so I need to give her a ride….Who is going to take the heavy grocery bags?” All kinds of worries swarmed around me endlessly. I was sorry to my family. I was truly sorry for not being able to take the responsibility of being their father and husband. I was so resentful of myself for being irresponsible. “Is there any way to return to the past? I wish I could return to the past. I wish this was not real.” I sighed out my grief, looking at the distant mountains.
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| [Psalms 121:1-2] |
The only hope was God’s words. His words gave hope to me whose life was getting feeble every day. He was the only one who declared that he could help me and he had that ability. I had been a church goer, yet I did not know about God. I did not have a genuine interest in Him. I went to church because I didn’t like my wife to sit alone without me. I often complained about church. “Why do they pray about the same things every time? Don’t they have something new to say to God? Why can’t they make their prayers brief? Why did the service take so long today? I never liked that deacon. He has a sour expression.” I did not read the Bible and I did not try to believe in God. I thought “How is it possible to create the earth with the Words? That doesn’t make a sense. The miracle of feeding over 5000 people with only five loaves of bread and two fish? It doesn’t sound logical nor reasonable. I closed my mind firmly because I didn’t need God to help me. I was busy with teaching and making the Chinese-Korean dictionary and I thought I was successful and fruitful in my work.
However, after I was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, the first place I headed for was the church. I didn’t know the reason. I just thought there would be some hope in the church. My pastor said to me, “Out life is in God’s hand. It’s not in the doctors’ hands. God is allowing you this difficulty because he wants to call you as his servant.” I was encouraged by his words at that moment and throughout my fight against the lung cancer.
I went to church every night and prayed hard in tears. Although the doctors warned me to be careful not to catch a cold since I was getting the radiology treatment, I wrapped up myself with a warm jacket and a mask and did not miss a day in the prayer meeting. Unfortunately, I couldn’t pray aloud because I had lost my voice. My ENT doctor, radiology doctor and physician told me that I could not get my voice back.
I wanted to see God. I had never experienced him. I felt my faith would get stronger if I saw him just once. I prayed to God to come to me so that I could feel him. One day, really God came to me quietly in my dream. I was praying on the floor in my dream and God was standing behind me, gazing at me with the eyes full of mercy. Then he disappeared in a moment and golden lights that looked like two hands together surrounded me and danced around me like butterflies. When I woke up, I was incredibly happy because I was sure that God came to show me He was always with me.
However, it was not easy for me to keep strong faith. I was discouraged about the result of the radiology treatment, which was my last hope medically. Even after the maximum degree of the treatment, the tumor was still too big, so any kind of surgery was impossible. And sadly there was no more radiology treatment for me. The doctors gave up on me and felt sorry saying they did their best because I was young. I was more mournful and sorrowful than before. There was no hope. I felt that God did not care about my life and my prayers.
One day my pastor called me in and emphasized faith in God and the power of God’s words. He asked me to go to the church’s prayer house. I didn’t like any kind of prayer houses before. But I agreed to do it because I did not want to see my family members because just looking at them made me feel sad. He asked me to write the verse Isaiah 53:5 (But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities, the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.)
My pastor told me to copy down the verse 10000 times on my notebook until I truly believe in the words and build strong faith in God. He said faith is a determination. Since I could not speak and didn’t have anything to do, I decide to take his advice. I wrote down the verse everyday in the pray house and I used up several notebooks and pens. Although my head was often full of negative thoughts and the sad ending of my life, I declared in my mind and wrote down so many times “I was cured with the power of God’s words.” I imagined myself getting cured and telling my story to others. Yet at the same time I was thinking of my wife in a white dress in my funeral. Gradually I became full of hope and positive thoughts. I spent time creating my happy ending story in my mind and I added more story everyday. In my mind I was writing a true story without knowing how to end and when to end.
About four months have passed after the diagnosis. It was March 15th, 2006. I had a mysterious dream. It was a spiritual dream. I was laid down on the operating table. A parasite was moving around in my chest. Although the doctor with a knife did everything to remove it all night, he was not successful because the parasite was running away so fast. So the doctor gave it up. After I woke up, I realized that God wanted to show me that my cancer could not be cured with medical science. I humbly prayed to God, seeking his help and grace.
Amazingly, the next day in my dream I was in the same situation. This time I was laid on the operating table with my left armpit a little opened. A white fat hen was watching me next to the operating table. Suddenly the parasite stuck out its head out of the incised part, and the white hen pecked at the feed. The problem was solved. It was simple. When I woke up, I realized that God showed me what He did because I was not sure whether I was cured or not.
I came home after staying in the prayer house for two months. When I saw my family, I didn’t feel sad anymore. I was happy to see them. I was even smiling and had a good time with them. I went to church every night with my wife and prayed. When my friends asked me about my health, I said I was cured. They didn’t believe me. I still looked sick. I could not talk and I could not go back to work because I was voiceless and I was a cancer patient medically.
I wanted to get my voice back. I wanted to show people God cured me. I needed some kind of evidence because they did not believe me. I also wanted to praise the Lord and sing and use my voice for his glory. So I joined the church choir, thinking that God would feel uncomfortable and sympathetic with me when he saw me in the choir because I was doing lip-sync. My pastor also encouraged me saying “God will quickly cure you because it’s hard for him to watch you struggling to sing.”
Since I didn’t go to work, I went hiking and tried to sing hymns on the mountain in my neighborhood. It was in June, 2005. I went hiking as usual and I silently sang the hymn, page 539 이 몸의 소망 무엔가. Suddenly my voice bursted out. I was alarmed to hear my own voice. I was deeply moved and excited. I knelt down on the ground and praised God. I called my wife instead of texting. I talked to her and she was crying tears of joy.
I finally had courage of going to the doctors to check my status of cancer. The result of the PET scan was that the size of the tumor had become so small. More importantly, it was dead, inactive. Only a small empty house of the cancer was left. It was only a scar. The cancer had gone. All the doctors were amazed about the results. Although they were not Christians, they told me to do whatever I had been doing. And they did not forget to ask me to come for check up every six months.
Five years has passed now. Now I’m cancer free even medically. I reflect upon those days. I prayed hard myself, but I had a lot of people who prayed for me including my family and other believers. It was important for me to be surrounded by faithful believers. My wife did not fear after my diagnosis of lung cancer. She did not worry. As usual, she went to the hair salon to get her hair done. She took me to buy another refrigerator so that she could preserve a lot of food for me, which I thought silly at that time. She even nagged me to get a new car because my car was old. She was brave and was not afraid because she believed in God and his protection. When I was distressed because of the doctors’ comments, she advised me not to listen to the doctors who cannot even cure his own diseases, but to look up to God only. Her faith in God and her attitude in daily life were the strongest buttress and stronghold for me.
Also, one of my church staff said, “Cancer? It’s nothing. If you pray, it will go away!” My fellow believer who lived downstairs said in her firm voice, with a warm smile and excitement in her face, “You were cured!” Another fellow believer also said, “Do you know your hardship is a way that leads to blessing? I’m curious how much blessings you will receive in your household soon.” When I was not able to any more radiology treatment which was the only hope at that time so I was in despair, one sister in my church encouraged me saying “That’s actually good for you! That kind of treatment just hurts your body. Just trust the Lord and get cured.” Further, my pastor worried about what would happen after I was cured. He said “Based on God’s words, your cancer will be healed. It’s not a difficult thing for God to do. However, it’s difficult for you to serve God earnestly after you get cured.”
Most of the spiritual thoughts and words are hard to be accepted from the eyes of the world. I couldn’t take them either at first and for a long time. The thoughts are not logical, not scientific. In fact, they are above logic and beyond science. Yet while I listened to them repeatedly, without knowing I got sucked into their spiritual field, the space of faith. My negative thoughts were washed clean by God’s positive thoughts. My despair was changed into hope. My tunnel of darkness turned into a colorful rainbow. And my faith grew. If you see your problems through God’s eyes you will gain a new perspective and this will help you overcome you difficulties. Just believe and trust your creator who knows you best.
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